Where have all the cool stars gone? Are Lil Wayne, with his hand attached to his crotch, and Miley Cyrus butchering a Bon Jovi song during what was essentially a plug for Rockband 2, what music stardom has come to?

When Pink and Christina Aguilera, stars of five years ago, provide the performance highlights of the night, it doesn’t say much for the magnetism of any newbies.

There was so much to hate during the interminable two-ish hours of the MTV Video Music Awards, starting with Britney Spears’ much-hyped opening of the show.

After a lame pre-taped bit with the unfunnier-by-the-second Jonah Hill, where his many attempts to kiss her were passed off as relaxation techniques, the show cut to a live Britney exiting her dressing room and heading to the stage.

She looked great, to be sure – shapely and healthy. But her visibly nervous rush through her TelePrompTer lines to basically say, “Here we are at the VMAs,” was a waste of everyone’s time.
Of course, when she inexplicably won Best Female Video minutes later for her (luke)warmly received “Gimme More” – and later for Best Pop Video and the, ahem, prestigious Video of the Year (for “Piece of Me”)—her last-minute decision to appear on the show suddenly made sense. Feeling bad after destroying her morale last year, MTV?

<<< Photo: Scott Kirkland <<<

(And for anyone who cares, she thanked pretty much the same people during her first two trips to the podium: God, whom she has apparently found, her “beautiful” family and her “two beautiful boys.”)

While many who watched this 25th installment of the award show probably found host Russell Brand extremely polarizing, I actually give the guy credit for daring to inject political commentary into his breathless and restless bits between presenters. Whether or not that belongs in the goofiest of all music award shows is another story.

But at least the little-known Brit, with his crazy eyes and coif, seemed more excited than most of the gum-chewing, glazed-over Barbie dolls in the crowd (were they passing out packs of Stride at the entrance?).

Some decent moments from this year’s show:

—Hometown guy Chris Brown picked up one Moonman for Best Male Video (“With You”). Accepting in a white dinner jacket with electric blue tie, the always-smiley Chris Breezy noted from the podium, “Personally, I didn’t think I deserve this award. I thought Weezy was gonna get it.”

<<< Photo: Scott Kirkland <<<

It’s OK, Chris. The less we see of Lil Wayne, the better. But why no performance, when we got two from your girlfriend, Rihanna?

—The Jonas Brothers made their first VMA appearance on a studio backlot (the show took place at Paramount Studios in Hollywood) that looked an awful lot like “Sesame Street.” Then their dreamy acoustic version of “Love Bug” broke into a full rock spectacle, with the floodgates on the lot being opened for a stampede of fans.

Brand called it a “career-defining” performance. I’ll go with, it was good.

—Brilliant idea to put Pink on a set where she could throw extras down subway stairs and blow up stuff. Her ferocious take on “So What” was one of two genuinely exciting moments in the show.

—Ms. Aguilera >>> gets the other nod, not just for squeezing her post-pregnancy bod into black spandex and unleashing a slick, electro-dance “Genie in a Bottle,” but for pretty much saying to last year’s Britney, “THIS is what a well-rehearsed performance looks like, honey.”

Christina’s new song, an ambitious cabaret synth-rocker, sounded great…but why so much lip-synching? She and Pink are the only two people on this bill who can actually belt. What a waste.

                                                        Photo: Scott Kirkland >>>

And some forgettable/embarrassing moments:

—What was up with those VMA “alerts” during commercials? I’d rather watch that painful Jerry Seinfeld/Bill Gates spot than be distracted by quizzes and updates and all kinds of other nonsense cramming the TV screen. We are officially an ADD nation – we have no patience and can’t stand any suspense. It’s actually rather sad.

— <<< Katy Perry, LL Cool J, Lupe Fiasco and the Ting Tings sure got the big middle finger from MTV.

Perry singing “Like a Virgin” into a commercial break was a cute novelty moment, but then MTV proved how little they care about any of these artists (and most of these were some of the more viable ones on the performance roster) by giving them the unenviable 20-second slot on returns from commercials.

Perry has the biggest chick song of the summer with “I Kissed a Girl,” but you only heard the last verse. Same deal for all of the others. The only slight upside was watching Travis Barker pound his drum kit behind them, especially for LL Cool J.

—Michael Phelps: Love ya, dude, and those eight medals are an awesome accomplishment. But I am SO not looking forward to “SNL” this week, given that you’re completely devoid of any natural talent for timing or TelePrompTer reading.

—What was that weird ongoing dialogue about promise rings?

Brand made a crude joke about the Jonas Brothers wearing them, then Jordin Sparks, while introducing T.I., basically said that anyone who DOESN’T wear a promise ring is a “slut,” then Brand apologized for his earlier crack about the Jonas Brothers and THEN, on the post-show, gossip maven Perez Hilton stated that he didn’t think it was cool of Brand to make fun of the JBs, especially since Brand has been a tabloid target in the U.K. for his own sex addiction.

Oy. Where’s David Duchovny to clear all of this up?

Anyway, since this show was ostensibly about honoring videos, here is the list of this year’s winners:
http://www.mtv.com/ontv/vma/2008/winners.jhtml

Posted by Melissa Ruggieri in • Entertainment • Music
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