A sentence I never thought I’d utter: I want my very own Andrew Lloyd Webber.
He doesn’t even have to be a Lord or a Baron or whatever poncey title usually precedes Webber’s name.
I just want a guy who looks like Austin Powers’ dad to follow me around all day and offer gentle encouragement and advice.
I do not, however, want him to say things like, “I don’t think she had a CLUE what she was singing about,” as he commented about Brooke White’s rehearsal of “You Must Love Me.”
Little did he know how literal that statement would become, but hey, let’s just say ALW is prescient, too!
But first, some background.
For ALW week, “Idol” flew the crew to The Venetian in Las Vegas, where, conveniently, a modified version of “Phantom of the Opera” is playing.
Well, if you had to spend part of your day explaining to a dreadlocked kid that a cat sang “Memory” in the production of “Cats,” well, then, sure, let the man plug his show in front of 29 million viewers.
Since we’re talking about Jason Castro, let me just say that when I tossed out the hypothetical last week of who might tackle the ginormous ballad, Jason wasn’t on my short list of possibilities. Carly Smithson and David Cook were – but turns out they did just fine without resurrecting the furry, tattered ghost of Grizabella.
Jason, however, exposed his Achilles’ heel while straining to find a comfort zone within the song: he has no lower register.
His “trainwreck” of a vocal performance (as per Randy Dawg) will likely send him to the bottom three, a space he will share with Brooke and Syesha Mercado.
I know, I know, Syesha’s sassy take on “One Rock & Roll Too Many” from ALW’s fabulicious roller derby “Starlight Express,” was probably her best performance to date.
Note the word performance.
She greased the joints in her robot armor and got all “Fabulous Baker Boys” sliding around that baby grand (I swear I had that written in my notes before Simon mentioned it), and she did hit some big, tough notes.
But she also sounded out of breath in parts and by the time she repeatedly shrieked “I can’t hear nothing,” I muttered (to my cats), “Well, yeah, not after THAT note.”
And then there’s Brooke.
Sweet, sappy, brave screw-up Brooke.
Maybe if she hadn’t bungled the opening notes of “Every Breath You Take” during ‘80s week, I could more easily overlook this week’s far more conspicuous restart when she forgot the words to “You
Must Love Me” about 12 syllables in.
But while Simon was right in noting that the reboot threw Brooke off her concentration and timing, I think her vulnerability became even more palpable, which is exactly what this pleading ballad needs.
Now, granted, about halfway through when Brooke wavered all over the scale, I was actually pining for Madonna’s version of “Evita”’s signature tune. But Brooke nailed the emotion at song’s end – even with those obnoxious hand-wavers in her face – and might garner some sympathy votes.
(Side note: I think we witnessed the most unintentionally hilarious moment of the season when Paula gently chastised Brooke for balking when she forgot the words. Oh really, Queen of the Lip Synchers? And what would you have done, had the backstage crew hit the “stop” button on the CD player?).
So there you have it, America. The most egregious offenders of the bold, bombastic, but undeniably catchy ALW songbook.
As for the other three, it was pretty much business as usual.
David Archuleta was suitably called out by Sir Webber for his grating habit of blinking or closing his eyes when he sings (although, to be fair, don’t most good singers scrunch their eyes when striving for a note?), and then turned out a perfectly smooth, moderately contemporary and, as always, Carnival Cruise Lines-ready version of “Phantom”’s “Think of Me.”
Could the cuddly Ewok possibly relate to the lyrics, “We never said our love was evergreen/Or as unchanging as the sea/But if you can still remember/Stop and think of me”?
No? You don’t think so, huh?
Quite simply, he’s a cute (to some), vocally adroit soulless package.
Now Carly, who is full of soul, almost hid her fiery passion by (all together now) Choosing The Wrong Song.
But ALW’s astute observation that, “she’s a big, big singer, that girl,” swiftly caused her to swap her choice of a gloppy ballad for ALW’s suggestion of “Superstar” from “Jesus Christ Superstar.”
Brilliant move, Sir Webber, brilliant!
Sure, a few notes were shrill when Carly got carried away with the vocal runs, but it was a star-making performance.
That said, I will never be surprised to see Carly land in the bottom three, even when she doesn’t deserve it, like this week. But she likely doesn’t have the kind of rabid fan base as some of the others (cough, cough Jason Castro), and her slick professionalism might not inspire many fickle voters to pick up the phone.
So once again, we’re down to David C.
His show-closing “Music of the Night” was the right balance of theatrical and romantic. And that final note? Niiiiice. Even when it isn’t his finest two minutes – and these weren’t – you always feel something when watching him sing, and not solely because of his posturing.
But, shallow as I am, I kept getting distracted by that dish towel hanging from his jeans. What was that all about?
So who gets the boot tonight? Was Syesha’s sudden animation too little, too late? Will Ryan have enough tissues on hand if Brooke is sent back to Nannyville? And does the music of ALW really belong on a talent show?
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