... and a few grouchy ones from folks who thought I should quit complaining.

The most interesting came from John Long, who was kind enough to allow me to post his thoughtful comments below. Thanks, John.

Bob:

Ya know, I probably disagree with about 70% of the things you say in your columns, but I keep reading, because: (a) there is something about your writing style I find interesting, (b) in your photo you have an uncanny resemblance to a close friend, and (c) I detect in you a sincere desire to know truth. Since I have the advantage of reading YOUR stuff frequently, here’s an opportunity for us to be on more equal footing. Your latest column on facing one’s mortality (and seeking ways to live with that) moved me to write this letter.

I’m a retired guy in my 60s, so judging from your picture I think I’m about 20 years ahead of you on the aging issue. And yes, it is a hard thing to feel yourself losing (hopefully gradually, but even that remains to be seen) the strength and vigor and optimism of youth. I fear that process is becoming more and more difficult for us all, because of how our culture is evolving. A couple generations ago, it was much more typical to have three generations living under the same roof, so we were close witnesses to the aging process in our parents. It was also far more typical for families to provide elder-care from within the family, to the bitter end. These days, the children leave home (often for distant places) in their 20s never to permanently return. The lack of intimate contact with the elderly robs us of realistic expectations for our own aging. So when it starts to hit us, it’s a shock. And on top of that, we are expected to plan for our own demise through assisted living, long-term care, etc.

The aging process forces us to consider our own mortality, and exactly how, you seem to be asking, does one do that and still retain one’s sanity? What tools or helps can we find to make the going less unpleasant? You mention several: love, work, humor, faith. Those are wise answers, though of course each one requires considerable enlargement. I want to talk about that last one a bit.

Philosophers have debated the meaning of life for thousands of years. But for me, their discussions inevitably leave me cold and unsatisfied. I’ve spent considerable time and effort investigating their theories, but it seems obvious to me there is only one true answer to the question of life’s meaning: Nobody knows. Neither have I found typical religious approaches all that helpful, and some very well-known university professors of religion have recently admitted to having lost their faith.

It seems to me that that each of us has to make peace with our mortality in our own way. But that requires that we actually invest time and effort in doing just that. It requires that we actually think about it, sort through our own experiences, consider what conclusions other (hopefully wiser) people have reached, and try and nail down what we actually believe (whether or not it agrees with conventional religious dogma) while still being open to new ideas and information.

I think we have to believe that there are people out there who have wisdom to share. We have to believe there are people who are more spiritually advanced than we, else how are we ourselves expect to make any progress? Some people who have influenced me personally over the years come to mind: C.S. Lewis, Alan Watts, Ram Dass. More recently, I have been very impressed with Eckhart Tolle. I highly recommend his first book “The Power of Now” and his recent release, “A New Earth” (especially in book-on-tape form as read by Tolle; there is just something about his voice). If I had to summarize his work in a single sentence it would be this: he teaches that the way to inner peace is through (a) breaking the bonds of the ego, and (b) learning to embrace whatever we find on the immediate path before us. I have found this man’s work very very helpful.

As for my own personal philosophy, I offer this. The first issue is whether one believes in God. All I can say is, God help those who don’t! To approach the end of one’s life and not believe in God is the recipe for the worst possible misery: a descent into meaninglessness. I guess, however, that I am one of the fortunate ones with regard to that particular, foundational issue. I simply feel it in my bones that this incredible universe and this journey we call life, with all their complexity and variety, cannot be meaningless. There has to be a reason, a meaning to it all, a creator of it.

There has to be a God. Given that, my next thought is: could God be unjust? An unjust God is such an oxymoron that I immediately discard that proposal as ridiculous; there is a God, and God is just.

Yet obviously the world we live in is NOT just. One daily look at your newspaper shows many forms and degrees of injustice—obesity in one country and starvation in another, children dying of disease and accident, criminals going free while innocents are murdered, terrorism, ethnic cleansing and genocide—just to scratch the surface.

So how does one reconcile a just God with the tragedy and suffering all around us? Why is it this way? The answer, again, is nobody knows. Or rather (and to me this is a critical difference) nobody knows during their lifetime. The fact that we are not allowed to know why does not mean there isn’t a reason, and a reason that – if we could know it – would satisfy our deepest yearnings for an explanation and justification.

So far I have this, then: There is a just God, a meaning to life, and a reason for the suffering we see in the world. Next, it seems to me, is a leap, but a rather small and logical leap, of faith: If there is a reason for suffering, and we are not allowed to know it in this life, the there must be something beyond this life. Call it an afterlife (or perhaps afterliveS). Further, the suffering in this world serves some purpose. And finally: eventually we will be reconciled to that suffering and its purpose. To put it another way, there is a destination which, when at last we reach it, will more than reconcile us to the difficulties we encountered on the way to it.

What is that destination? Nobody knows. But I can live with it. Which hopefully speaks to the questions you posed.

This is all just one guy’s point of view, but he sincerely hopes it might be of some comfort to ya.

John Long

p.s. If you are a Christian (I’m not) you might find interesting something that two friends and I (all in Richmond) have put on the internet. It’s a written debate between a committed Christian, a freethinking Unitarian (that’s me), and an open-minded agnostic (that’s the friend who looks like you). It’s thousands of pages by now, so it’s somewhat overwhelming, but you can take a look at it here.

My column this week about the perils of middle age brought many generous responses from readers ...